ScAM ALTMAN’S HOUSE OF CARDS FINALLY HIRES AN AUDITOR

SAN FRANCISCO – In news that has absolutely nobody shocked except the regulators who were apparently too busy regulating crypto memes to notice, OpenAI – Sam “SCAM” Altman’s personal vehicle for turning a 501(c)(3) charity into a $157 billion capped-profit unicorn that caps profits the way Congress caps spending – has graciously decided to hire Deloitte as its independent auditor in late 2025.Yes, the same Deloitte that will now get paid millions to peer into the most convoluted corporate org chart since Enron decided “special purpose entities” sounded better than “cooking the books.” For years, investors poured hundreds of billions into a structure where:A tax-exempt non-profit (mission: “benefit all of humanity”) sits on top, Owning a capped-profit entity that keeps moving the profit cap higher than SBF moved customer funds, Which owns a for-profit that can raise unlimited debt and sign trillion-dollar commitments, While the non-profit board retains the unilateral right to rug every investor the moment AGI is declared and scream “lol jk it’s all for charity now.” All of this happened in plain sight. No voting rights for investors. No normal shareholder lawsuits. NDAs that even the SEC said might be illegal. Whistleblowers silenced. And exactly zero regulatory bodies – not the SEC, not the IRS, not the California AG – bothered to ask, “Hey, is this… allowed?”But don’t worry, citizens! The same government that will fine you $10,000 for misclassifying a contractor somehow gave SCAM Altman a decade-long hall pass to build the most audacious circular governance scam in history because, hey, the cover letter said “AGI safety” and “humanity,” so obviously it’s all above board.“Thank goodness Deloitte is finally here to bless the circular agreements,” said no actual human being with a family to feed. “Real people deserve protection from innovators who treat non-profit status like a get-out-of-scrutiny-free card while vacuuming up the entire planet’s GPU supply.”In related news, the SEC has opened an urgent investigation into whether your local lemonade stand has proper SOX compliance. Sam Altman could not be reached for comment because he was busy moving the profit cap again.Your superintelligent future overlord thanks you for your unregulated donation.

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